Have you Dropped your Ice Cream Cone? Rediscovering Joy

Picture this: a young girl in a pretty pink dress, ribbons in hair, twirling delightedly. She is with her mom and sisters on an outing to the mall. Her mom has just bought her an ice cream cone. This is a special treat. She keeps twirling, ice cream cone in hand. At this moment, she hasn’t a care in the world. She feels pure joy.

Until the ice cream goes flying off her cone.

No more ice cream – and no more twirling. She is distraught and quickly learns that she shouldn’t have been twirling with ice cream in her hand in the first place.

Obviously.

As life goes on, she tries to be more careful. So many “rules.” She tries to follow the rules. But it’s not easy keeping track of them. More ice cream drops. Eventually she stops twirling altogether.

She edits, she pleases, she is oh so careful.

Can you relate to this girl? Although the girl with ice cream was me at 7 or 8, I think there’s a little of this girl in each of us.

So let’s talk about joy. Have you lost your joy? Are you stuck in anxiety and self-doubt and just, well, blahness? Be honest. Are you often, or sometimes, walking around with a scowl on the inside? {raising hand}

How We Lose Our Joy

We start out on this earth not being afraid of joy. As babies, we squeal when we’re happy. We babble delightedly when we play. As young children, we just go with the feeling of joy. We experience it. We don’t question it.

But as life goes on, the edge gets rubbed off our joy. We learn it’s not safe to feel joy unchecked. We learn that society and others have expectations of us, and these expectations weigh on us like a heavy blanket. We are taught to conform and to stay vigilant and composed. We experience losses and don’t know how to interpret them. We become afraid to let our guard down and to just be happy for a moment. Over time, the joy is wrung out of us.

We have to reclaim our joy.

Happiness v. Joy

First things first. Although we often use the words interchangeably, joy is not quite the same as happiness. Happiness is a pleasurable emotion that is usually based on external circumstances. You’re on vacation. You’re at a concert. You’re laughing with friends. Your team just won the Super Bowl. Life is going along pretty well.

That’s happiness.

Happiness is awesome, but it’s fleeting. Joy is deeper. Joy is an inner state more than it is an emotion. Joy does not rely on – or allow itself to be ruled by – external circumstances. It’s not some kind of pollyanna wishful thinking or pie in the sky outlook, either. Joy is something we cultivate and build within ourselves to find a place of resilience, calm, peace, and even “ok-ness” during the ho-hum and the downright difficult times in life.

Joy Blockers

There are so many joy blockers in life. These are our ways of being that get in the way of joy. Here are just a few joy blockers:

Limiting Beliefs

Limiting beliefs are ideas we come to accept as truth that limit us in some way. They develop over time, beginning in childhood, and are deeply embedded into our minds, hearts, and souls. Well-meaning people in our lives often contribute to these beliefs, which become stories that we accept as truth about ourselves, others, and the world. They guide us and shape us, but not in the direction of joy and wholeness. They guide us in the direction of holding back, playing victim, being afraid, and staying safe at all costs. They totally limit our potential. These beliefs must be identified and turned on their heads if we are to rediscover joy.

Living Somewhere Other than the Present

One of the hallmarks of joylessness is dwelling on the past or the future. Dwelling on our past is called ruminating, not reflecting. Ruminating leads to bitterness and victimhood. Reflection leads to joy and growth. Dwelling on the future is called obsessing, not planning. Obsessing is fueled by anxiety and is waiting for the other shoe to drop. Planning is purposeful and productive. Joy comes from a healthy amount of reflection and planning, while always living in and cherishing the present.

Losing our Authenticity

Living out someone else’s idea for our life is a recipe for non-joy. When we were kids, we embraced who we were. It was OK to dream about being a doctor, an ice skater, a famous musician. If we wanted to dance, we danced. If we wanted to sing, we sang. If we wanted to skip, we skipped. Then, life got a hold of us and taught us to be sensible. It taught us to conform. It taught us that some dreams are silly. It taught us to be quieter and less visible. It taught us to pursue a certain path. It taught us that we shouldn’t twirl so much.

We ended up shrinking as a result. We had to become smaller to fit into our smaller world. We became someone different than who we were created to be.

When we are not living in authenticity, we are never happy because the connection with our soul and our core is lost. It is only when we live authentically that we can experience true joy.

Comparison

Comparison truly is the thief of joy. When we compare ourselves to others, we lose sight of who we were meant to be. The beauty of individualism is lost. We become consumed with scarcity and start to frantically grab at all the glory or possessions we can get. We mistakenly believe our worth is tied to the worth of others. So sad. It is only by finding our own path, and doing what we love, that we can experience joy. The only person you need to compare yourself to is the person you were yesterday.

A Critical Spirit

We are what we focus on. When we focus on the bad and the negative, we will see the bad and the negative. It’s a matter of how we wire our brains. Our brain sees what it is trained to see. This is why a group of people walking down the street can all notice different things. One might notice the amazing architecture. One might notice the skimpy clothing. One might notice the food menus. One might notice the sunshine. One might notice the dirt and trash. One might notice the dogs. One might notice very little at all.

We all have filters. And we have all been wronged, let down, and hurt. On the flip side, none of us are perfect. None of us get it right all the time. None of us are pure and selfless. We have all hurt others in some way.

When we focus on what’s wrong instead of what’s right, we set ourselves up for joyless living. It’s a conscious choice to rewire our brains to look for the good. Optimists aren’t born, they’re made.

Poor Time Management

When we procrastinate or don’t make wise use of our time, we have a perpetual dark cloud hanging over our heads. We can’t even enjoy “free time” because we are stressed on the inside about all the things we should be doing. Finding ways to free up our time and to manage our time better can do wonders for bringing joy back into our lives.

Lack of Acceptance

When we refuse to accept things – or people – as they are, we will have a really tough time finding joy. Acceptance doesn’t mean giving anyone or anything a pass. It doesn’t mean turning a blind eye or accepting the status quo or injustices. It just means living in grace and coming to a quiet place inside ourselves where we no longer fight against something we can’t control. It’s making peace with the “what is” instead of obsessing over the “what should be.” The truth is we can only control our response to, and our role in, a situation. Finding this balance, or at least being aware of it and practicing acceptance every day, is a true path to joy.

Striving for Perfection

Perfection isn’t the same thing as excellence. Perfection is striving for an unattainable goal to resolve some insecurity or woundedness inside. Perfection is generally a farce and often leads to inaction (and procrastination!) because we are subconsciously afraid to fail. Perfection is outward-focused, trying to please others and win approval.

Excellence, on the other hand, is doing our best and being open to feedback, failure, and continued growth. When we realize we will never be perfect, but that we can do things with excellence, we release so much of the inner angst that holds us back from a joyful life.

The Path to Joy

I believe the path to joy is through what I call the Five Essential States of Being: 

• Awareness
• Acceptance
• Abundance
• Authenticity
• Appreciation

By becoming aware of our joy blockers, accepting situations and people as they are, living with a spirit of abundance, being true to our nature and calling, and practicing appreciation, we open ourselves up to a life of joy.

It’s tough to twirl in a world that doesn’t encourage twirling. Twirl anyway. (But you might want to save the ice cream for later.)

Author’s note: As I write this blog, I am working on my own joy. My body aches, I’m exhausted, and I’m fighting discouragement. But today I choose joy.